Saturday, November 8, 2014

It's like I've reached this really weird place where fasting isn't hard anymore. Other than when I eat because I have to, because my parents cooked me dinner and we're eating it together, I am in complete control of everything I put in my body. I can't remember the last time I binged.

And I should be happy about that. Because the number on the scales is finally going down.

But it's like it's barely worth it anymore. Like I don't even care about what I weigh anymore. Sure, I weigh myself every morning and every evening, I log it all, I log everything, but seeing the number go down doesn't make me happy anymore.

I barely eat and I don't get cravings anymore and my weight is dropping and I should be really happy about that, but I'm just... apathetic.

It's weird.

That's the only word I can think of to describe it: weird.

I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I'm not depressed, I'm just apathetic. I don't care. But I'm just going on like this anyway, because eating would make me sad. I don't know. I just don't know how I feel anymore.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

I fucking hate this. I hate feeling so helpless all the time.
Like what happens if I tell someone? Have someone to talk to about this?
They'll just force me to eat.
I don't want that.
But I just feel so fucking alone. I hate this, I hate this fucked up disorder I have. Starving isn't even intersting anymore, like I used to get a kick out of it, now it's just a thing I do. I just feel like shit all the time. Whether it's headaches or shaky hands or my heart fucking beating so fucking hard. I just feel like shit.
This is so fucking exhausting but I can't stop and no one can stop me.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Hey guys, it's been a while.

I'm still here, still okay, still shitty actually, still starving myself some days and binging others and hating my weight and my thighs and my hips and everything, but still here.

I kind of drink sometimes these days, like the summer was bad I was getting drunk on my own a lot but school started and I cut down and I've only gotten drunk twice since the term started. And by drunk I mean like cradling a toilet drunk.

School is going okay. Last year was bad, I was working 30 hours a week on top of a full university course load which is pretty ridiculous. After my last final I had a shift and I just backed out at the till.

Anyway, I'm back on here today because I've had an awful day and I need to talk and I have no one in my life who I can talk to. I have amazing friends at university and I have amazing parents and amazing online friends who I talk to every day, but I just can't talk about shit like this with them. So I'm here instead.

Okay so my sister is OCD and on antidepressants. My mother thinks she's depressed. No one knows about any of my issues because I'm the queen of bottling it up.

Today my mum said, and this is pretty much a word for word quote, "sorry I'm being so harsh with you lately, but I'm depressed and you're the main reason why."

So I went to my room and cried a tiny bit and tried not to think about it and when I came back downstairs a few hours later it was like it never happened. But I was in a bad mood.

Then her and my dad were about to go out and I was kind of grumpy as she was about to walk out the door and she was like "why are you in a bad mood" and I pretty much threw that thing she said back at her.

So she ran upstairs crying and my dad told me I have to go fix it and we ended up having a big long discussion where she cried and I cried and idk. I just don't know.  She's mad at me because I'm the messiest person ever, see, and  the state of our house is making her more depressed and that's why she said what she said.

And we hugged it out and everything and then her and my dad went out and I cried a little more. Like, I was bawling for about an hour.

And I was thinking about how I felt like purging and everything and I just really needed someone to talk to, and I realised I have no one. I have people who I love and people who I can talk to about stuff, but my eating disorder is one of the defining things about me and no one knows about it. And I can't tell anyone about it.

For over three years I have thought, every day, about how I wish I could just have the willpower to starve myself until I'm so skinny people stare. For over three years I have felt guilty about everything I have eaten. And, other than on here, I've never talked about it. I've never said it out loud. I've never had a conversation about it.

I don't know what to do, I don't think I'm okay.

Friday, February 21, 2014

You know when you're sat around listening to people talk and you hear someone say something completely dumb and ignorant about dieting?
Yeah, where I work they're doing a big weight loss thing, like I work at a store with over 400 employees and I'd say about 300 are overweight so I can see why they're doing it, but anyway, I was in the break room listening to conversations and one guy goes "I've already lost two pounds."

Like really?

Bitch, I gain and lose 2 pounds in a matter of hours, 2 pounds isn't weight lost, 2 pounds is general fluctuations.

And then, when I think stuff like that, I think, is it normal to know that? Like do I just know way too much about weight and eating and food and dieting and all that?

Probably. Whatever. I was seriously considering trying to get a tape worm this week. Like I've been googling all sorts and looking up how likely it is to get tapeworm from raw beef and thinking about buying some ground beef after work and eating a bit raw just to try and get a tapeworm or at least make myself sick enough that I'm puking. I decided it wasn't worth it when I found out tapeworms might make me bloat. Like I'm talking serious swelling around the waist area. No thanks.

Also seriously considering ODing on paracetamol, like 8 pills of extra strength tylenol and I'll be puking. Only problem is that might also cause lifelong liver damage and I'm not quite fucked up enough to risk my liver for a good purge yet.

I'm completely cutting white sugar out of my life though. And for good reason too, I get these killer headaches. Like I'm on day 11 of a headache right now, I've barely slept in over a week, so I'm going to cut out sugar and see if that helps my headaches and it'll help me lose weight too and it's something I don't have to hide from the world, like I have a very good reason to be not eating sugar so when someone offers I can say no without feeling like I might be being suspicious.


Friday, January 24, 2014

I've been eating so many 5 calorie jello cups that my shit has started to turn reddish.

Friday, January 17, 2014

What happened with store standard

Okay so we continued talking a lot on facebook and when we were at work and then when I was done my last final exam he asked me out.

We went out, I met some of his friends who we bumped into (which was probably 0% by accident I'm pretty sure he told his friends I'd be there) and his friends were weird and the date was awkward and I realised I really am not into him at all.

So I told him I was too busy to date.

And he seemed to take it well. Until he started messaging me one facebook like a freaking psychopath.

Like he was just sending me boring messages, talking about his day, asking how I am, shit like that. Except I wasn't responding, like he could not take the hint. He was sending me messages everyday and I wasn't responding. And after like a week and a half of sending me messages, none of which I'd responded to, he tried to use his grandmother's cancer to make me talk to him. Anyway he's given up now finally. So that's over.

I'm glad, and I think I've worked out I'm not a relationship person. I like my alone time too much.

Problem is I'm tired of being a fucking virgin. Ugh.

Anyway, I discovered a thing. You know those pudding cups? the gross chocolate and vanilla ones? Yeah they're super disgusting, but anyway, you can get jello ones too, which are also pretty gross but at least they taste pretty good. But they also make sugar free jello ones. 1 cup has 5 calories. 5.
And it doesn't say on the thing that they're sugar free, just on the outer packaging, so you can eat them in front of people and look like you're eating about 100 calories, but really you're just eating 5. And they really fill the gap, like they actually fill me up, I love them.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Update on my life

So 2 things have happened recently.

Store Standard (his name is Braeden maybe I should just refer to him as Braeden now) and I are still talking. Like every day, most of the day, we talk on Facebook and we see each other at work and we just talk a lot. And my friends are convinced he likes me and I'm almost convinced too. Almost. I have my doubts.

He's sweet though. And he's told me I have a little girl tummy and I'm small. So that was nice.

And the other week a guy sat next to me and started passing me notes. The first one he introduced himself, and then he apologised, by note, for the notes and said he's just incredibly nervous talking to girls.
It sounds romantic. It wasn't. It was awkward. I was talking to Braeden at the same time, I wasn't interested in this guy, and the notes were, rankly, immature.
Then, yesterday, he walks over to me and asks me if I want to hang out with him after class. So I said "I have classes all day then work so it's kind of a bad day."
Then he asked if I wanted to grab coffee some time. And I fucking told him "I'm really busy with work and classes and it's not a good time for me right now."
Like fucking christ. I'm a shitty person. That's like the worst way to reject a guy because everyone knows it's complete bullshit.

But now I'm kind of annoyed. Because a random guy who didn't even have the balls to introduce himself to me without a note had more balls than Braeden, who still hasn't asked me out.

So yeah. Fun times.